You got twenty bucks?  Lol  I know you would get it even if no one else who ever reads this does.  It’s written to and for you alone.  I was surprisingly sad to hear that you had passed away.  You may be surprised to know I even cried, quite a bit for me.  🙂

Sincerely, I am sad to see you go.  I know we never had the best or easiest of relationships, but it was a very long standing relationship regardless.  Long after I thought you were out of the picture, I was walking down Yonge Street one day and heard a car horn blast.  Instantly the thought went through my mind, “God, that sounds like Arnold”.  I looked, and sure enough, it was you.  Years after I had last seen you.  I thought it was pretty funny, but that’s just me.

Because of you being a part of my life, I immediately bought all of the cds I could find(for my kids (and myself :)) that combined stories with the music of Bach, Mozart and Beethoven.  My girlfriend told me about Vivaldi and I bought that one too.  The point is you weren’t the only one who tried to introduce me to classical music and expand my horizons, but it was your tapes in the car that made it tolerable and later as I got older, something I love and cherish.

I know you loved my mom, truly.  I am sorry your love for her wasn’t more appreciated and respected.  I am sorry it wasn’t genuinely reciprocated.  I felt a little heartbroken when I heard you has passed because I really believe you died from missing her.  I know that sounds crazy, but I’m not the only who had that thought.

You weren’t always the easiest person to be around, but I know there were parts of you that were really quite nice.  I feel certain that I missed out on some fascinating and remarkable conversations by not getting to know those parts of you.  I’m sorry that was the case.  I didn’t really hate you.  I’m not that kind of person.  You might have even liked me a little bit if you had had a chance to get to know me.  Two people misunderstood.  It’s a shame.  I’m trying to change.  I think I can.  I intend to.

I’m sorry to see you go.  I hope you find happiness now.

Love

My mom is dying.  It’s heartbreaking.  I had to get out of bed to come and get it out because I feel scared.  I feel so incredibly sad.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what I can do for her.  I don’t want her to die.

Her decline has been so rapid.  Or at least, that’s how it seems.  When I think back over the years maybe it’s been happening for some time now.  I don’t know.  I know that she had a dramatic weight loss about two years ago.  My twins were newborns when she showed up at my house and looked like she had lost about 40 pounds, which is a pretty dramatic change.  She told us she had gotten some type of blood poisoning or something strange from some sort of burning that occurred at her job. For some reason she was unable to smell the toxins burning around her and inhaled the fumes for an unknown period of time.  After that happened she never really seemed to bounce back.  I was concerned about her, but I was still feeling very angry and betrayed by her so I kept my concern to myself.

I worry and wonder about how she is feeling.  Not physically because I’m constantly asking her if she’s ok, but emotionally. I worry about her feeling sad, scared and alone.  I worry about her feeling unloved.  I’m afraid she may feel that way.  I wish she knew how much I always loved her.  When I was a little girl she was my whole world.  I wanted to be just like her.  I wished I could look like her.  Of course my colouring is the exact opposite of hers.   I always wanted her to love me.  I wanted her to be proud of me.  I want to know now what she thinks when she is looking at me.  I wanted her to take care of me and protect me and stay with me.  I wanted to be important to her.  I suppose I know that I was important to her in a way.  I am her child so I was her responsibility to an extent.  She took me places with her and there were times when I know she was happy to be with me.

Then there is everything else.  The decisions and choices she made in her life that had nothing to do with me or my well being.  Things she said to me, names she called me.  I always thought I was never good enough for my dad, but that wasn’t the case.  I don’t think that she thinks that either.  But there has always been something.  I don’t quite know what.  Something between us that kept us apart.  I don’t know.

When I think about my relationship with her I ultimately think about my relationship with my eldest daughter.  I think about the ways that I react to my big girl that I inherited from her.  I hate it.  I want to die thinking that I behave in any way that makes my little girl feel like I feel.  I worship my children.  My first born is the reason my life is the way it is today.  She is the reason for everything good I have ever done.  I am so amazed by her.  I could literally lay down and kiss the ground she walks on.  She is smart, sweet and beautiful.  She has always been wildly independent – since the day she was born.  She must think I am terribly disapproving.  I have such high expectations of her because she blows my mind.  I never had a kid before her so I don’t know what they’re supposed to be like.  Then when she acts like a kid I get exasperated.  That’s pretty stupid of me.  I am trying to change.  I’m letting go of things that are so not important.  I’m letting go of needing to control every little thing they do.

I want my kids to look at me and see a soft, loving mommy.  I want them to look at me and be able to see on my face exactly how much I love them.  How I live for them.  I don’t want them to look at me and see what they see now.  A mother who is always busy doing something and miserable about it.  A constantly furrowed brow, constant irritation.  I want love to take over my life so there is no room for any negativity.  I want to be the kind of mother who’s children know, like they know their own names, that they are thoroughly and completely loved for every ounce of who they are, exactly as they are, unconditionally, no exceptions.

A lot has happened since I’ve last had a chance to sit down and put my thoughts together.  I still can’t quite put my thoughts together so if this seems a bit wonky there is a reason for that.  My mother-in-law moved in, lived here, did her best to ruin my marriage and then moved out.  Thank God!  Once she moved out the general feeling between myself and my husband was that hopefully things would improve and we could pick her up for sleepovers and barbeques and go back to having fun, short-lived visits.  The exact opposite of that happened.  She ended up renting an apartment with, of all people, my mother.  Can you imagine!?  Obviously, since you don’t know all the players here this might not actually sound like that bad an idea, but let me assure you, it was one of the worst.  Two days after my mom got to the apartment they were to share my mother-in-law was calling and telling me I had to get her out of there, quite rudely, I may add.  Long story short, my husband confronted her mildly on her rudeness and the next time she saw me she went on an absolute tirade and threatened me viciously.  That was the end of our relationship.  Whether or not it is the end for real remains to be seen, but depends entirely on my husband and his feelings about her.

The real issue now is my mom.  Last summer, I might have mentioned it before, she became ill and ended up in hospital a couple of times.  She has had diabetes for years now and last summer told me they had diagnosed her with congestive heart failure.  Around the same time, they advised her that her kidneys weren’t fully functioning, she had about 30% kidney function.  After a couple of very strained and distant years in our relationship, the congestive heart failure made me realize I didn’t want her to pass away with this huge distance between us so I started to let her back into my life.  We’ve had visits since and she spent Christmas with all of us.  I really didn’t know how sick she has been.  When I went to pick her up to move her up here, I was picking her up from hospital.  Again, I still didn’t know how sick she was.  All she told me is that she went to hospital because she was having some trouble breathing.  The hospital discharged her and claimed she was stable.  Five days later I had her back in hospital.  The first day she was in emerg here at our local hospital they said she had about 20% kidney function.  The next day they advised her that she would be starting hemodialysis immediately and that this was going to be permanent.  By the time she was discharged this time (about 10 days), she had started dialysis and was in end stage renal failure.  A week after being released she went to the hospital for her scheduled dialysis treatment and forgot why she was there.  Once we finally found her two and half hours later, after calling a code yellow at the hospital, she returned for her treatment.  Excellent!  She came back, had dialysis and went home again on the bus.  Problem was she couldn’t remember where she lived.  Eventually, after I don’t know how long wandering around in -15 degree weather, she called me and told me she was lost.  My husband was able to direct her to knock on someone’s door so she could get inside while I went to go find her.  After that we decided that it wasn’t feasible for her to continue to live with his mother.  I wasn’t welcome in the apartment and my mom wasn’t able to live unassisted.  So we moved her in here.

I will admit that I have been overwhelmed by this string of events.  It’s quite a lot of work to suddenly be in the position of having to organize someone’s entire life with no knowledge of how things worked before.  She has appointments 6 out of 7 days in the week.  That’s just her, that doesn’t include appointments, activities and parties for my kids or appointments for my husband who just underwent a second surgery, his follow up or his continuing treatment.  I haven’t been able to go to work since she came up here because of all that has happened and at this point, I can’t leave her alone so I can go back to work.  Her life and affairs have now become my full time job.  I have so much information to gather and am spending so much time on the phone, my husband and kids are suffering because I am not that available to them right now.  That hurts me.  On the other hand, as much as I want to be with and there for them, I also want to be with and there for my mom.

I always thought I was super close with my mom, all my life growing up.  I wouldn’t have thought there was another mother-daughter duo closer than us.  Then, when I was 27 or so, I decided I needed to change some things in my life.  I began seeing a medical intuitive.  I have never been one to be terribly open to traditional therapy and this seemed like something I could get into.  During one of my first meetings with her she asked me about issues I had with my mother.  I was completely baffled.  I had always believed that any issues I had stemmed from my relationship with my father.  What was she talking about?  She was wrong.  Or maybe not.

There had been the beginning of separation between us when I began dating my husband.  Everything I had ever done up until then, my mom had been there.  Not as much when I was a teenager because I wasn’t about to take her clubbing with me.  But before that, I used to skate and she was always there, with me and my friends and then later on, once I was living on my own and going more to restaurants than clubs, she would be there with me also.  Until I met my husband there had been no real serious relationships that could come between me and my mom.  Once we started dating I wanted to spend more of my time with him than with her.  I guess that’s when the cracks started to show.  First came the question from the intuitive.  Strange!  Then, the odd remark would be made.  I always thought people were crazy.  My mom was an angel.  The best person ever.  As I tried to learn about myself and maybe figure out why I was the way I was, I tried to pull away from her a bit so I could do it on my own.  She was there for everything and this was something that I didn’t want her there for.  I needed to get to know my own motivation and the reasons why I behaved in certain ways.  The learning I was doing was very personal and I wasn’t comfortable sharing that with her.  I ended up bringing her along, which I resented.  My own fault.  I decided to take a workshop on Reiki.  I brought her along.  Then she came along for the second level training.  During our course, we did group treatments on each other for practice.  When we were walking home on the first day, she informed me that while I was being treated, I mentally “kicked her out” of a certain area and she disregarded my request.  She quite frankly told me “I figured I’m your mother, so I kept going anyway”.  Hmmm….ya, that doesn’t sit well with me.  The divide became a little bigger and the level of distrust crept up.

When I look back now, after 10+ years of looking at myself and my behaviours etc, I feel that on some very basic level I have always held a deep belief that it was incredibly unsafe to be open about my feelings.  Not my thoughts.  People who know me know I am ridiculously forthcoming with my opinions.  I’m working on that, by the way.  No need for everyone to know every little thought I have.  But when it comes to my feelings I knew I was very vulnerable if anyone were ever able to see how much I feel.  I could never expose myself like that…not even with my mom.

So now, I come to the hardest part of this current chapter of my journey.  I am taking care of my mother.  I am watching her face her mortality.  I can’t talk to her about it.  I want to.  I try.  But how do you ask someone to tell you how they’re feeling?  About dying?  If I’ve never felt safe truly exposing my identity to her, how can I expect her to expose her thoughts and fears to me?  There are things I want to ask her or ask her to do.  It’s not really my business though.  I want her to really look at her relationship with my brother.  I want her to give him some resolution.  They don’t speak.  His life appears to be quite unsatisfying.  I think it’s pretty safe to say there is a direct correlation between his life and his relationship with her.  I believe my brother is one of those people who never moved past his childhood.  Maybe none of us have, some of us just hide it better.  What do I know?  Nothing!  I’m certainly not trained in any way.  It’s just my opinion.  The only thing I know is that I have been lucky enough to have gained some perspective and have been able to expand and change my thought processes.  I’ve been lucky enough to learn from my experiences and also from the people I’ve been involved with and have involved in my life.  Probably, I’ve learned the most from becoming and growing into a parent.  I find it quite sad to see the relationship between them.  I don’t know if it would help either one of them at this point, but could it hurt?

It’s funny to have spent so much time trying to separate myself so that I could figure my own stuff out, only to end up back with this woman, living with her, in what most would call a complete role reversal.  Not so much for us.  I’ve taken care of my mom in many instances during our time together.  I’ve generally behaved more like the mother than the daughter.  I want to do everything I can to help my mother during this time.  I want to make this process less scary for her and get her the medical help she needs as well as the emotional support she needs.  I am doing everything I can do make sure that happens.  I hope my family will forgive me the time I am taking away from them to give to her.  I hope we have a lifetime together for me to make it up to them.  I love them all so much!  I know they’re not really suffering irreparably.  I just hate to take any time away from them.  I need to spend this time with her and I need to see it through to the end.  I know I have had many lifetimes with my mother, in a variety of relationships.  I also feel that this is my final lifetime with her.  I feel like I am done with this sacred contract and ready to move on.  There is a part of me that is so sad to feel that way.  I love my mom very, very much.  There is another part of me that is just done.  I’m done with the dynamic and the energy.  I don’t feel like I owe her anything more.  I hope I do her justice and honour her throughout the rest of her life.

It’s so complicated.

I have received a few comments and I do not mean to not reply so please accept my apology.  I do seem to have a problem knowing what comments are actually meant for me and which ones have been mistakenly directed to this website.  All comments are deeply appreciated, I find it quite incredible really.  If I don’t respond directly to a comment it could just mean I wasn’t sure it was for me.  Thank you to anyone and everyone who has made a comment.  I hope to see more in the future.

Best wishes!

I have been off my site for months now due to everything that has been happening in my life, however I do feel the need to put something new up.  This is it.  Whatever this is.  I’m waiting for my big girls to get home from school and just wanted to do something, anything to get things moving forward again.  I’ve had so much going on since November or whenever all this chaos started and I’ve had so many things I wanted to write about, but didn’t have the time.  Hopefully now I will be able to begin to refocus on the positive and carry on.

Cheers,

Dear God,

Please guide me through this time in my life and give me the strength and tools I need to support my family always.  Please let this streak end soon and with no further damage.  Please alleviate the stress on my husband and provide him with tools for coping with his stress.  Please insulate myself, my husband and all of our children from the depression and illness of others in our presence.

Dear Archangel Michael,

Please protect me, my husband and all of our children now and always and in particular at any time when we may be in more danger than usual.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Love,

My oldest friend in the world is preparing to welcome her first baby any day now.  She’s not due for a couple more weeks, but it looks like baby may come early.  I received a text message from her last night telling me this and I instantly felt a flash of what it was like to welcome my first baby.

My pregnancies have all been very easy physically, but emotionally I find it challenging because my first pregnancy was incredibly traumatic.  At the end of almost 41 weeks of pregnancy and 21 hours of labour I was given the most amazingly beautiful gift I could never have imagined.  My eldest daughter.  She was perfect, thank God!  I was so scared that something might be wrong with her because of everything we had gone through while I was pregnant with her.  When I first saw her, held her and knew she was safe and sound I cried and cried as though I may never stop.  I was so relieved!  And so deeply and irreversibly in love.

I could never have dreamed up someone so perfect.  Only God could do that.  I knew before she was born that I would love her.  I loved her the second I knew I was expecting her.  I just never knew what true, pure love was until I met her.  It rushed through me and over me and swept me away and I’ve loved her the same every second since then.  It’s a love so immediate and powerful it takes your breath away.  It’s absolute purity and you only know it once you know it.  Until that little body is wrapped in your arms you can only imagine it.  The reality of it is extraordinary.

She changed me.  She changed my life.  Thank God…again!  She made me a better person and a stronger person.  I made choices I wasn’t sure I could make, but I made them for her.  I made them so that she could be proud of me and look up to me and learn good things from me.  I made those choices and I stood by them and we made it through.  Things changed for the better because I was able to do what was right for her even before she was born.

From about 20 weeks into my pregnancy with her, I was so ready for her to be born.  I was so excited to meet her and start getting to know her.  She was my constant companion from conception until she was 20 months old and I went back to work part time.  She is one of the four most amazing people I’ve been lucky enough to meet.  I am honoured and blessed to be the mother of my four children.  I would do anything for them.  I am in constant awe of the love I have for them.  I had no idea it was possible to love someone, or a whole bunch of someones so intensely.  When I had my second daughter I felt like a traitor.  I felt like I was betraying my first and taking my time and attention away from her.  I loved her so much that I wasn’t sure if I could love the next one the same way.  And then she was born…and I grew an entirely new heart that belonged only to her.  The love is so strong and everlasting and perfect.  I now have four complete hearts, each with one of their names on it.  Just for them, always for them.  For who they are, each of them different and yet all so similar.  Sweet, funny, smart, gorgeous, caring….

It’s a journey.  It’s heavenly.  I am so excited for my dear, dear friend to finally have this experience for herself.  I wish you the most love.  The love of your life.

xoxoxo

My mother-in-law is coming to live in my house.  I have tried to keep most of my thoughts about my relationship and certain issues off this blog, but it’s beginning to get to me and I need to get rid of it.

My husband has been feeling sorry for his mother for some time now as she is regularly telling him she hasn’t eaten in days because she can’t afford to buy food.  She does have two jobs as well as a third income source.  The problem is that her rent is too high.  She is unwilling to find accommodations that she can reasonably afford.  So she has effectively manipulated her son into taking her in.  Talk about kicking a guy when he’s down.  She has seen him struggle this year and the effect that his accident has had on his relationships with his other family members and she’s used it to suit her own needs.

You well know, if you’ve read this blog before, that I haven’t worked much this year which means no money.  With my husband being on disability that makes things tight.  He has now been switched to long term disability which cuts our monthly income even further.  In light of this, I returned to work part-time on Monday of this week.  Please do not get the wrong impression and think for a moment that I don’t want to work.  I do want to work, I like earning money and I enjoy using my skills.  What I don’t want is to be away from my kids.  I have had lots of time with my older girls, they are in school and doing well.  My twins are my babies, my last babies and I really wanted this one last year with them (greedily, I’m sure) before sending them to daycare part-time.  When you’re on your last kid(s) you realize how quickly they grow up and move on.  They are only small for a little while and then they’re not.

So, back to this issue of my mother-in-law.  I feel that this move is putting my family in jeopardy.  I personally believe that she has no intention of finding work once she moves in here.  I feel that she thinks that she is going to move in here and I will go out to work so she can stay home and raise my kids for me.  She will be living on easy street.  They both will.  I will go work and earn a few bucks while they stay home and hang out together.  Then when I get home at the end of the day I will have the privilege of cleaning the house, doing the laundry, feeding the kids and the rest of us and making sure that our home is stocked for all of our needs.  I have reason to believe this will happen because even without her being here it is happening.  I know this is a problem with my husband, not her.  I get that.  The problem is that I think it is going to get worse.

I feel resentment building already and anger.  A whole freakin’ lot of anger.  I have expressed my concerns to my husband.  He is oblivious.  He sees me as the problem.  I’m being too hard on her.  I’m kicking her out the door.  He sees her as extra income to the family and free babysitting so he and I can get out together and get a break sometimes.  Well, I looked into the extra income thing today and he is not fully informed.  The reality is is that she is going to cost us money.  Period.  Bottom line.  Money that we don’t have…sorry did I already mention that?  I would rather pay for a babysitter and keep my sanity and my family intact than invite this woman into my home and watch my marriage implode.

I’ve recently begun doing yoga whenever I get a chance.  Almost never, because if he’s here I’m not allowed to work out.  I’ve never really gotten into yoga.  I find it hard to go slow like that when I’m “working out”, but it is a great work out and I do feel it afterwards.  I also find I am craving reading my books by Caroline Myss and Doreen Virtue.  I’m craving a spiritual connection so I don’t move too far into fear and anxiety.  I feel like I have no choice but to turn inward so that I don’t go right off the fucking deep end and lose my shit completely.

Just a small addition to my “crazytown” post.   That same day after blabbing away incoherently into this blog I had a small success with my twins.

Anyone who’s ever tried to brush a two year old’s teeth knows that many of them don’t really like it. I thought I had finally ended up with a couple of kids that didn’t mind it.  Until my son got sick.  He ended up, a little while ago, with an infection which caused his mouth to become very inflamed, his gums were red, swollen and bleeding and he was completely miserable.  Poor little guy!  He was so uncomfortable.  He and his sister ordinarily loved getting their teeth brushed.  I think it made them feel big like their older sisters.  🙂  Anyhoo, during his illness we didn’t push the teeth brushing too hard so he had a chance to heal.  Once he was better, both he and his sister became obstinate.  I believe he was just afraid it would hurt and she had decided that she was going to brush her own teeth now.  Yay…another fun battle!!!!  I Love being a parent and I say that with no sarcasm whatsoever.  For real.

So, the other night, I was getting the little monkeys ready for bed, bums were changed, pajamies were on and it was time to brush their teeth.  I really wasn’t in the mood to drag them to the bathroom and pin them down to do so, so I thought “eh, I’ll just brush them here”.  “Here” happened to be on the livingroom floor in front of the movie they were watching.  And guess what…magic happened.  They laid there and let me brush their teeth to my hearts content.  No fighting, no screaming, no crying!   Amazing!!!!  I was happy, they were happy and their freakin’ teeth were clean before bed!  Hallelujah!

Now we brush our teeth on the livingroom floor and they love it.  It is only temporary until they either want to go brush their teeth in the bathroom or mommy decides they no longer have a choice and it’s time to get back to normal.  For now though, it’s working like a dream and we are all thrilled.

I used to have my shit together.  I used to be pretty effective at getting things done.  I used to think I had a pretty decent handle on my life.  Now…I’m not so sure.  Now I seem to always feel quite anxious.  I often feel like I can’t get anything done at all.  I don’t even know what it is I want to get done.  I feel like I’ve got chains wrapped tightly around my torso holding my arms down by my sides and squeezing me until I hunch over, defeated.  I can’t stand feeling like this!  I will admit to throwing myself the odd pity party, I think that’s pretty common, but they generally only last a day or two.  Feeling low and heavy and weighed down all the time isn’t something I’m that familiar with and I absolutely hate feeling like that/this.  I wish I could figure out what it is that is bothering me.  I can’t even do that!  It seems these days that my mind is always spinning, jumping from one thought to the next and not really going anywhere.  I am confused at this helpless, desperate feeling.  I’ve been through periods in my life where things have been so much worse than they are now and I’ve gotten through it all pretty well.  I won’t lie and say that I’ve never felt depressed or beaten in the past, but it seems like I was still able to function and move forward and move through it.  This is just bizarre.  There is nothing wrong with my life.  The stress of my husband’s accident is pretty well over.  We’re used to it now.  He’s healthy and healing and things will go back to the way they were eventually.  We just kind of have to wait it out at this point.  All the kids are happy and healthy and doing well.  My mom’s health is stable, although not great.  I am still able to work, however that doesn’t seem to be happening.  I don’t know what is going on.  Something just isn’t working in me and I can’t figure out what it is.

I have a feeling that this post is going to be a mess, all over the place and maybe not very coherent.  Currently the story of my life!  One of the thoughts that I had yesterday is that I think I actually have faith in the way that life occurs.  Finally!  I used to feel a deathly fear of not having enough money to take care of my family and my responsibilities.  I still get uneasy (as you may have noticed :)), but then there is another part of me that is like – whatever.  It will work itself out.  So far we’ve been able to get by just fine.  There is no reason for me to think that things will not improve.  So that little bit of fear seems to have subsided.  Awesome!  I guess that means that whatever it is I am going through right now is just another phase I need to pass through.  That when I come out the other side I will be better off than when I started.   Okey dokey!

Then, I think about the things I have to teach my kids.  It could be anything.  And it’s a friggin’ nightmare.  It’s a nightmare because of the duality of life.  There is never only one side to a story, never only one perspective, never only one absolute right way.  Well thanks for that!  Way to make it impossible to give your kids a straight answer and never look like a hypocrite.  This morning my eldest broke a nail file.  Not a big deal right?!  Ya, but she lied about it.  Pissed me right off.  I couldn’t have cared less about the nail file.  I do however, care that she lied.  Does the seven year old really think that she’s smarter than me already?  Is she so afraid that she’ll get in trouble over something so small that it’s worth lying about?  Really!  That’s what she said it was.  I’ve told her a million times not to lie. She knows that when she tells the truth she almost never gets in trouble.  Still she lies.  What do you do?!  She lives in family where one parent is one way and the other parent is almost the exact opposite.  What is she going to learn?  I don’t know.  Probably that there is way more grey out there than black and white.

I don’t know what the hell I am doing.  I am doing the best I can.  I am teaching my children the best way I can right now.  I hope to become a better parent.  I hope that when my kids are grown they don’t look at me and think I was a total asshole.  I teach them right from wrong to the best of my ability.  I am trying to teach them to be independent people who think for themselves and march to their own beat.  I advise them to come to me and speak to me when they are angry with me or disagree with my opinion or decision.  I also teach them that there are times, when it’s a matter of safety, that they just have to do as I say.  If I piss you off, tell me later.  We can always talk about it and I can either come to see your point of view or you can understand my motivation for doing whatever it is that I have done.  Of course, my kids are still little, but I want them to always know that it is safe for them to talk to me and disagree with me. Hopefully, over time, they will come to trust me and see that it is ok to tell me things and that by telling me they have a way of getting help or working out a problem or whatever.  I just hope that they will let me help them if I can and support them if I can’t help them.

One thing I wonder about is the people who seem to have it all figured out.  They know everything.  Their answer is always the right one, they never have a bad day or a bad mood.  Their advice to their kids is always spot on and they are oh so willing to give you advice as to how to train your children.  Or the spiritually advanced who are in their last incarnation and almost done with this journey. Looking down their noses because you might just be beginning your journey of self-discovery.  Is that true?  Is that your real life or are you just completely full of shit?  I don’t know.  Maybe I will figure it out one day or maybe I just won’t care.  Right now, it’s just one of the things I wonder about.

Welcome to Crazytown people….my new current address.