Thank you.

For everything.

It is all a gift…

recognized or not.

Yesterday was a very stressful day…again!  lol  I know, I can’t help it.  My husband is off on disability so things have gotten a bit tight and every time we have to really focus on finances I become a complete mess…for a while.  I was speaking to one of my very best friends on the phone and I asked her to pull a card for me.  For those of you who do not quite understand what I mean by that, I will explain.  I believe in angels (a lot!) and God and manifestation, etc.  I have decks and decks of angel cards and crystal jewelery which I wear and use to meditate with (when I can, even if only for a moment as I am doing housework) and I ask archangels for help daily.  I also thank them daily for their help and for all the blessings in my life.  So one of the cards that my dear friend pulled for me was “Forgive yourself” and I have decided that that’s not such a bad idea.  I have decided that in order to live the life I want to live, forgiveness is likely going to play a big part in helping me achieve that.   In addition to itemizing some of the things I am going to work towards forgiving myself for, I am going to issue a public apology for some of my past behaviour.  I am not the same person today as I was 5, 10 or 15 years ago and of course, there are people who I have mistreated, who I continue to think of and given the opportunity to see  face to face would gladly seize the chance to apologize to them directly.

I will start with the apologies.

This one is to a girl who I ended up crossing paths with due to a high school boyfriend.  This may seem very silly to everyone who reads this, but this girl was, I believe, a very sweet girl, a good girl, who would never do anyone any harm. I think that’s why I’ve never forgotten her.  It’s crazy because we never met personally. The only contact we ever had was a phone call and catching a glimpse of each other across a room once.  Long story short, my “boyfriend” and I had broken up and were (I thought) working at getting back together.  As it happened, just as I thought things were going well, I left for a holiday for two weeks.  When I came back, everything had changed, he was as cold as ice and it looked like getting back together wasn’t exactly going to happen.  We kept hooking up, but all was not peachy.  A little while later I happened to find out it was because he had a new girlfriend.  Shocker!  Ya, I know.  So 17 year old me was terribly hurt and incredibly pissed.  I took it upon myself one night after way too many cocktails to call this sweet girl and tell her all about her shitty boyfriend.  That’s what I feel bad about.  I didn’t lie to her about anything at all.  I do think though, that it probably wasn’t up to me to tell her he was a shit.  I’m pretty sure she would have found out eventually, like I did. She (I am certain) was/is a complete sweetheart and the truth can be painful.  I am sorry that I made that phone call and told her everything I did.  Going back I would never have done anything to cause her any pain.  To Grace, I apologize.

The other girl I would apologize to, I used to work with.  She was another absolute sweetheart.  We worked together for a while and we were friends.  Again, I acted poorly.  I had worked at this company for quite a while and I had had to fight for every ounce of credit I got there.  It was tough place to work at times, I was very young and I probably had an enormous chip on my shoulder.  This girl came in (through me) and she was good at the job and as sweet as pie and everyone loved her.  Looking back with my (almost) 37 year old eyes I can see and admit that I was jealous.  I was jealous that she didn’t have to struggle to earn respect the way that I had had to.  I felt like I was being replaced and it made me very insecure.  The result of that was that I ended up being unfriendly to someone who had become a friend.  She probably never knew what the hell happened.  What do you think when you’ve never done anything to someone and that person turns into a total B**** for no reason at all?  To Danielle, I apologize.

There are a couple of other apologies I will offer, however, they are to my mother and brother and will be their own posts altogether.  I will leave them for another time.

On to my list of things I promise to forgive myself for.

I forgive myself for being jealous at times.  I absolutely despise that feeling.  I’ve been lucky to not experience it a ton, but don’t like experiencing it at all.

I forgive myself for drinking too much in my twenties and making bad decisions.

I forgive myself for the things that happened in my life because of my bad decisions.

I forgive myself for feeling a truckload of shame for my decisions and poor choices.

I forgive myself for not being kinder and gentler to myself over the years.

I forgive myself for my most recent failures as a breadwinner.

I’m pretty sure there are a million other things I could add to this list, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself.  haha  The only thing I can do is to work towards forgiveness for myself and vow to do better going forward.

Yesterday I was a complete and total wreck!  The cause of this state was financial anxiety regarding my current debt.  The debt isn’t too bad, however because I haven’t worked very much this year it causes me a lot of stress.  I have had a job since I was 11 years old.  I’ve always worked and always paid my own way.  This year has been a bit different and I struggle with it constantly.  I do still have a job – sort of.  I am self-employed in the financial services industry and I work from home while I am raising my 7, 5 and two 2 year olds.  It was fairly easy to work from home with the older kids when they were small.  They went to daycare part time (2 days a week) and they are very independent.  They always knew the rules when mommy was working and they followed them.  Working from home with two year old twins is a completely different ball game.  Because I took it a little easier at the beginning of the year I didn’t do very much which didn’t give them much opportunity to learn how things work when mommy is working.  Unfortunately for me, my husband was hurt before I was able to get much work done ie. make much money for the year and I haven’t worked since he has been home.  The entire situation is strange to me because even the potential for work that has come along hasn’t turned into anything tangible – which almost never happens!  It rocks me to my core to be so dependent and so vulnerable and to not be providing for my family.

I am so blessed in my life, by my children and husband, my health, my sweet little dog, etc.  I could go on and on.  My husband and I look at each other and tell each other all the time how lucky we are.  I am grateful.  I try very hard to stay in the moment and enjoy every second of my time with this family we’ve created.  Yesterday though, because of the stress I was feeling, I felt like a total failure.  Some days it just seems like nothing I am doing is right or good enough.  I feel like I can’t succeed at anything I am trying to do.  I want to work and provide for my family, but I have lost all interest in my work this year.  I don’t know if I want to do it anymore.  When I do work, I love it. I am passionate about it and I care deeply about the people I work with.  When I’m not working, I feel dread at having to find another way to source business.  Truth be told, I hate trying to find business.  Doing it part time from home with no childcare has definitely hindered my networking abilities, not that they’re strong anyway.  lol  I hate networking.  I feel like a total fraud.  For me I would rather get to know someone because I am genuinely interested in getting to know them and seeing what common ground we have than creating a false friendship based solely on what we can do for each other.  I would love for my friends to send referrals to me because they know how capable I am and how hard I work for the people I represent.  I know that is naive, but it’s how I feel.  I guess it tells me and the world quite clearly that I likely am not cut out for self-employment.  Hopefully I am wrong and I get my mojo back soon.  I have to do something!  I can’t go on like this for much longer.

I got home to my kids this morning after my first night away from them since my twins were born almost two years ago.  They were left with a close family member who I consider a very good friend and who has one grown child.  I have four small(ish) children who require a fair bit of care.  Keeping up with them and the house is a matter of constant motion which I think I handle reasonably well.  Admittedly, I think we arrived home earlier than expected.   As much fun as we had yesterday, we really missed them so we got up early and drove the 3 hours back home before noon.  My twins take their nap at around 10:30 every day.  Since this is their only nap (most days) I like it to be a good one and if the timing gets too far off track it can create chaos in their day.  Add to that, that this is the first time I have left them and you can imagine that when we arrived home, fully expecting them to be asleep still and they weren’t that the rest of the day hasn’t been exactly stellar.  So we get here and I hear my little guy’s cry “Daaa” through the front window.  I happily turn to my husband and say “The babies are up”…we come into the house and I say to our friend “They didn’t sleep long”.  To which she replies, “I haven’t put them down yet. I thought I would feed them lunch and then put them down.”

So my question to this, asked only in my mind a couple of hours later, after my daughter went hysterical when I tried to put them down for their missed nap, was “what makes you think that your way is better than the way we have always done things?”  Why would you change the routine on two two year olds when they are, for the first time, experiencing their parents being away for the night?  Let’s put this a little more into perspective for all who do not know the exact dynamics.  The woman who was watching my kids has one child who is a couple of years younger than I am.  She also comes from a large family of mostly women who all helped each other raise their kids.  I come from a family where I was raised mostly alone.  My sibling who is closest in age to me is 8 years older, the rest don’t really count since I’ve never had a relationship with them anyway.  My husband and I moved away from most of our family so we are pretty much on our own when it comes to raising this family we have created.  Raising a family of four little ones with little outside help encourages you to have certain ways of doing things because otherwise life would be a nightmare.  I don’t really enjoy living in a mess all of the time, nor do I enjoy temper tantrums.  So I have certain things that get done certain ways and some things, like naps, even have to happen around certain times.

I have to say that I do love my friend dearly.  There is no one else in our lives who would have offered to do this for us.  There is no one else in our lives (at this point) that we would ever ask to do this for us.

I guess part of the point I am struggling to make is that not everyone is the same…Thank God…every kid is different and every parent is different.  What works for you in your household, with your family may be quite different than what works for me and my family in our household.  When I am at a friend’s home for the night I aim to leave the place the way I found it or better, ie. if the dinner dishes weren’t done last night and I happen to be up first, I will do them.  I will make the bed as close to the way I found it as possible.  If you happen to wash your sheets after every use, then I apologize that you now need to take the whole thing apart, but you knew that when you invited me to stay the night.  If you don’t wash the sheets after every use, then hopefully I’ve helped make your day a little easier by cleaning up after myself.

Why is it too much to ask that when someone is in my home that they try to adapt to the way things are done here?  Especially when you’ve spent an enormous amount of time here and been entertained at length?  I’m not asking you to do things my way in your home.  I am asking you to respect the way I do things in my home and make an effort.  If you happen to put the dishes away, maybe put them where they actually go, rather than where you think they should go.  If you don’t like their current location or are unsure of their location, the counter works for me and I can do it when I get to it.  Not a problem! 🙂

This is how I feel about parenting styles.  Please feel free to do your own thing with your own kids.  That really is your business until it becomes someone else’s business in a negative way.  I see the differences in the way I do things with my kids from the way my friends do things with their kids.  They are all pretty decent kids who I believe have a solid chance of growing into pretty decent adults.  Whether I happen to agree with every step taken on that particular path is irrelevant.  The only thing that matters is that they get there.  I gave up on mommy groups because quite frankly I found them a little creepy.  Most of the “mommies” are in some kind of weird competition.  I found the first-time “militant” moms the most repellant.  Is it because they are my opposite or my mirror?  I don’t know.  I don’t consider myself someone who is completely rigid because I can see validity in many styles and points of view and I am quite willing to re-examine my own point of view if I find it no longer works, suits me or I learn new information that changes things.  I don’t believe that because I believe something to be true when I am 20, single and living it up that I will still believe the same thing by the time I’m 25, cohabitating and living a completely different lifestyle.  It also means that what worked for my first kid might not apply to my second, third or fourth.  Or it may apply to all of them.

Why can’t we be more flexible and less judgmental?  Why do we take it so personally the way someone else parents?  Why are we offended by parenting styles that differ from our own?  Just because it’s different doesn’t automatically make us wrong.  Differences of opinion and style should be a welcome resource to all parents.  Please stop judging me.  Period.  Don’t judge my parenting.  It’s none of your business.  Please don’t go out of your way to make my day miserable because you think your way is better.  And I will do the same for you.  I promise!

Arrgggghhhh!!!!  I feel completely stuck!  My husband is still home from work which is a bit of a double edged sword.  I love that he’s here spending time with us.  When he does work we hardly see him as his days are long and start at odd times so he is in bed before our toddlers.  My problem is that, for some reason, whenever he is around I become completely useless and ineffective.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know what it is.  Running a family and household of six is work in and of itself, add to that the fact that I have barely worked or earned any income this year and the fact that I feel the overwhelming desire to work on this blog and I am at a loss as to where to start.  The list appears endless and the pressure and anxiety has me paralyzed.

I miss the routine of school and work.  I am someone who needs structure although I would never have guessed it.  When the kids need to be at school and my husband is at work there are things that need to be done by a certain time which means that in order to accomplish everything I run my days on a very tight timeline.  When hubby is home all that order goes straight out the window.  The days are loosy-goosy, the house is a mess, we are running out of food and I am not working or contributing.  Just thinking about it makes me want to hide in the corner.

I would love to be one of those women who has it all under control.  If only I could bring myself to be competent and organized.  It’s a never-ending quest.  We’ve been purging the house and garage of our “stuff” lately.  It’s a wonderful feeling, but it’s like cleaning.  The more you get rid of, the more places you notice that have piles of stuff to go through and get rid of.  The worst part of it is, I know this is just a phase.  A brief time in our story that will be over before I know it.  Which makes me sad.  When the little ones are in school full time (two more years), I will have more time on my hands to fill with work, cleaning and running my household.  I will have everything in perfect order and running smoothly.  What I won’t have is 24 hours a day with my four kids and my husband.  Quality time to spend with the most important people in my life.  I think I need to focus more on what I am doing rather than what I’m not doing.  There will be plenty of time to work when they’re older.

Today is the day that I have chosen to actually post my first post.  That sentence alone should tell you that I really don’t know what I’m doing.  What I do know is that I feel like I’ve been going through a lot lately and that has begun the process of creating change within me.  I have thought of what I want this blog to be about and have decided that it is going to just be about me, my thoughts and my life.  I am a 36 year old woman, who is a mother to four amazing children.  I am married to a man I fell in love with when I was a child.  I am self-employed and work from home while I try my hardest to be a great parent.  I also have a little dog that I adore.  I hope that this blog gives my children a chance to know me on another level at whatever point in their lives they may want or need to.  My kids know me as their mother, but one day I would love for them to know all the other pieces of me.

First off I guess I should mention that I used to write a ton when I was small.  I used to ride the subway back and forth to elementary school, an hour and a half each way, every day.  That leaves a lot of opportunity for reading and writing, two things I was passionate about.  I still love to read, however I don’t find I have a lot of time or energy for it these days.  As for writing, I eventually got to a point where my thoughts would flow through my mind so quickly I couldn’t get them out fast enough.  I would lose track of where I was going and I became very frustrated.  Also, I am incredibly shy and I always feel foolish when I go back and read something I have written, which is why I have never kept a journal.

Both of my parents are storytellers in their own right.  My father would always tell me stories of his travels and business deals (repeatedly!) lol and my mother provides background information about people I’ve never heard of that leaves me boggled.  Please forgive me if these traits have affected me and my writing style.  I do feel sometimes when I’m writing that certain things may drag on, but I also think you need to know the whole story for one little sentence or observation to be taken in the correct context.  I think that probably comes from the fact that I have a tendency to say things that can seem offensive at times.  I will make a note here to say I never mean to be offensive when I make comments or observations.  The things I say are simply my thoughts and opinions and I never ask that someone agrees with my views.  I only ask that you can acknowledge that there may be another opinion that could be valid even if it differs from your own.  I am the worst at arguing because I can usually see some validity in another person’s point of view.  Even if I completely disagree with it.

I also want to mention that my writing style may change depending on what I’m writing about and when.  If I happen to get a few minutes when I am absolutely furious about something and get my hands on the computer to get it out, I may sound completely vicious because I do have a habit of cursing a blue streak.  My husband also has that issue and over the years my fervor has increased.  I’ve always had a filthy mouth and unfortunately no one ever stopped me.  I did have one friend who tried, but I haven’t seen her in years.

So the catalyst for this writing endeavour is that my husband had his hand badly damaged in an accident, two months ago tomorrow, that involved a close family friend and a number of other family members.  This has unleashed a lot of feelings in me and is causing all kinds of changes to occur for me.  I should let you know that I am someone who has a fairly tight hold on her emotions.  I don’t cry – ever.  Rarely anyway.  I did cry when I had all of my children.  I find pregnancy very nervewracking, which I am certain I will write about at another time in greater detail, but not now.  What I mean when I say I never cry is that I really don’t cry very often because I always feel silly when I do.  I always feel like a crybaby who is feeling sorry for myself when I know there are people out there who are having a much harder time than I am.  I do throw myself the occasional pity party – who doesn’t? – but I try not to dwell there for too long.

What I do realize is that having such a tight reign on my feelings is probably not the best thing for me, my kids or my husband.  I am beginning to think that by keeping all of this to myself and never breaking down or giving into what I am feeling could come back on me at some point in the future.  I love myself and my family way too much to allow myself to bottle things up to the point where I eventually have a complete melt down and am no longer any good to anyone.

A little background information would probably be handy here.  My husband and I moved away from our home city almost 7 years ago when our first child was less than a year old.  We moved into a tiny little town where we only knew two people and the only thing we really knew about the place is that we loved the house we bought and that it was far away from where we were from.  Let’s keep in mind for a moment that both of us were born and raised in a big city and were used to living a pretty fun life up until we started a family.  My kind of fun was always dancing the night away.  Can’t do that when you’re pregnant nor once you become a mother to a newborn.  Especially with no help.  So anyways, we were going through a very difficult time in our lives, both as individuals and as a couple and the choice we made was to leave the circumstances in the city that caused us difficulty, behind.  We still had the issues that plagued us as a couple, geography doesn’t change that, however at least we had the space and time to work those issues out.  I can happily say that time and distance does do a lot of good if you combine it with dedication and hard work.  Now 7 years later we are married, still in our lovely house and have added three more kids to our brood.

When we moved here it was just over a year after my dad passed away.  I had so much going on when he died that I don’t know if I ever really dealt with the loss.  I was six months pregnant when he died and within 6 weeks of his death I had been fired from my job and kicked my partner out of the house.  So here I was, now seven months pregnant, with no job, no emotional support from anyone and facing homelessness.  We had given up our apartment to move in with my dad when he was sick, to take care of him.  My  mother had also given up her apartment to help out and she and I were living in my dad’s house and my half-brother’s were calling us squatters.  It was really quite horrifying and demeaning.  My mother and I, at that point, really didn’t have much of a relationship since she had kept much of my dad’s illness from me.  From the time I found out he was seriously ill to the time he passed away was only about 9 weeks.  I was pretty close to my dad and I love him so much.

Recently, about two or three weeks after my husband’s accident, my mom ended up in the hospital with a serious bone infection.  She lives in the city I am from so I am about an hour and half away from her.  She lives with friends so I am unable to go down to visit with her and she also has a vaccine resistant infection that I don’t want my children exposed to.  It’s been a bit difficult because there isn’t a lot I can do to help her from this distance and over the phone.  She has a tendency to hide the truth from me so I’m not even completely sure of her medical condition.

What I have been experiencing since my husband’s accident is feeling completely overwhelmed.  I am exhausted just by getting through the day.  I will admit that things have gotten easier since he has been recovering and is slowly able to start using his hand again.  Thank God!  It’s helping him to heal as well by being able to start doing things.  I’m sure he felt pretty helpless for a while and being productive again can only help.  I find it very strange that I am really starting to miss my dad in a way that has only come over me from time to time during the past seven and a half years.  I feel like my heart is breaking from missing him and I think I am afraid it’s because on some level I think my mom is not far behind him.  Her health is declining so rapidly and there seem to be so many different things happening that I can’t tell if she will ever really leave the hospital again.  It’s really strange.  I know, that right now, with everything I have going on with my family I am feeling so desperate for someone to take care of me.  I feel like I have to take care of everyone (which I don’t mind).  I just really wish in addition to that I had someone who could hold me up on days that I find challenging or come over to help with the kids, the house and the shopping.  Unfortunately, there is no one.

So, I think, that all of this “stuff” is beginning to break down the walls that surround my heart and contain my feelings.  I feel sadness that I haven’t felt since I was a small child.  The goal now is to get it all out, likely via this blog, so sorry in advance, and hopefully at the end of the day I will emerge from this a better person.  I imagine when all is said and done I will be a better mother, wife and friend.  I hope that my new “natural habitat” or comfortable emotional state will be love and happiness rather than anger and fear.

Wish me luck!