I think I’ve been in a shitty mood all day, I just wasn’t fully aware of it.  I’ve been waiting patiently for the right opportunity to take a two hour drive from home in order to get rid of some old stuff I’ve been hanging onto for years which will also bring in a little cash.  I thought I would be able to safely get away either yesterday or today, hoping to get it done with only two kids along for the ride instead of four.  Rather than do that, I’ve been waiting for the hospital to let me know when they were going to discharge my mom.  I absolutely did not want her being sent home by taxi.  I didn’t want her to feel like she has no one when that’s not the case.  Being that I don’t have a 9 to 5 tying me down it’s clear that my schedule is super flexible ie. I can be everywhere everyone wants/needs me to be because I don’t have anything else/better to do anyway.  That little bit of snippiness does not apply to today because I wanted to be there for my mom.  What it does apply to is that when I knew she was coming home today, I made plans to take my drive tomorrow.  Then my dear husband comes home, who knows exactly the best way, time, method, etc to do anything and everything even if he’s never actually done it.  So of course, tomorrow is the worst day to do this drive because the traffic is going to be horrendous and what if I don’t make it back by the time he’s done work?  Well, then, he’ll be left sitting here alone with nothing to do.  God fucking forbid that should ever happen!  He then goes on to tell me that I probably shouldn’t be running out to do this errand because I have so much cleaning to do around the house – spring cleaning.  Which I’ve already started!!!!  Oh and by the fucking way….I do a lot more than just clean the house!!!!  Are you serious?!  I’m fuming!  I can’t even express how disregarded and disrespected I feel.  This is when I start stomping my feet and put my bitch face on.  In my head I’m pulling out my 5 inch “don’t fuck with me” shoes and tap dancing all over his forehead all the while raging “don’t you know who the fuck you’re talking to!”.  That was my 20something year old self and sometimes I miss the little bitch.  She didn’t take shit from anyone.

After six years of staying home raising kids and losing any idea of who I might have been at one time, I see it ending.  I’ve only got a very few short months left with my little ones all to myself.  While I’m dreading it because I’m going to miss their adorable little faces, I’m also looking forward to finding something for myself again.  I want to know who I am now.  I want to know what I can do, find out what exactly I am capable of.

It’s hard growing up.  It’s sometimes very challenging to keep your mouth shut.  Everyday we are faced with things that frustrate and irritate us, but as an adult, we’re expected to keep hold of our emotions.  For the most part, it’s really not such a bad thing.  I am able, now, to catch myself as I’m forming a judgement in my mind and reaching a point of frustration where I might have said something before.  I am able to understand that the person I’m judging is simply venting or having a bad day and unloading to a trusted friend.  I can stop the judgement, hear them out and empathise.  Today, however, I have to admit, I was more than a little short tempered with one person.  I’ve been listening and supporting and empathising and counseling for months now.  I’ve wanted to.  I’ve chosen to be there for that purpose.  What bothered me today was that when I may have needed some support, there was none.  There wasn’t even an acknowledgement that I might need some.  My situation was completely ignored and their “problems” were talked about for an hour and a half.  I am left feeling like if all you want is to hear the sound of your own voice, please call someone else as I have other things to do.  Hopefully, this was a one-off and my friend will remember that friendship goes both ways.

I am mid-pity party.  I’ve been in excruciating pain all week having had a slipped disc or two in my neck.  When I finally got into the chiropractor for an adjustment I almost cried. I still don’t have full mobility in my neck, but it’s better than it was.  It really is necessary to take care of myself because at this point, I am all used up.  I literally have nothing left to give.  I just have to dig a little deeper and find something to give to myself.

On a lighter note, a few good things that happened this week:

My eldest picked a book from the library and brought it home just for me.  When I saw it I was so touched.  She’s amazing!  She brought me a book all about Italy.  She knows I’m obsessed with going back there.  It’s amazing to know that she loves me back.

Today when I went to pick up my mom, the desk secretary introduced herself to me because we’ve spoken on the phone so many times over the past week and half.  She told me it was no bother that I had called so much because I was so nice to her!  🙂  That’s a first!  lol  There was one day where I had to hold my tongue with her, but also, again, caught myself and realized that she can only give me the information she has and she’s not just being difficult.

I bought a new nail polish for spring!  Yay!

I have started my spring cleaning, baseboards are sparkling and awaiting a fresh coat of paint.

I called a potential client tonight to let him know I couldn`t do what he had asked.  After that, I offered him a better alternative to what he had asked me for.  Then he asked if I could speak to CRA on his behalf, so I told him to get his papers together and I would try.  I`m going to be registering a new business because I let my business license expire – by accident.  But in the meantime, I also decided to register a completely new business – name and direction.  This client is right along the lines of what I was thinking.  Maybe this is going to be my new thing.  We`ll see.

100% of the time I wouldn`t want any life other than the one I`ve got.  There definitely are a few things I would tweak and will get to tweaking, but for the most part, I`ve got it pretty good.  I have the four most spectacular reasons on the planet for doing everything that I do.  I have been given the privilege of being their mother and of being allowed to watch them grow into whoever it is that they are.  That`s very exciting to me.  I can be patient a little while longer.

My mom had her surgery on Tuesday.  I had been forewarned by numerous people that anaesthetic can have nasty effects on those who suffer with dementia.  I was warned that she may not come out the way she went in.  I was also advised to begin looking into funeral arrangements.

The morning of her surgery she also had dialysis which takes a toll on her every time.  She often spends a lot of the day sleeping after dialysis.  She looked a little weak when I met her in dialysis and I asked her if she was alright to walk over to the outpatient surgery or if I should get her a wheelchair.  She said she was fine, but before we made it out of the unit she was dangerously close to falling.  I sat her down right away and got a wheelchair.

We waited a little while in outpatient surgery before two nurses came to go over her paperwork.  That took a while.  The nurse completing the paperwork was unable to figure out her meds or even follow a simple direction.  The other nurse couldn’t figure out how to dial a phone number as it was being recited to her.  I don’t what would/could have been the outcome if they had tried to figure it out on their own.

During the question period to complete the paperwork the nurse asks my mom if she’s recently been tested for C. Dif.  She calmly, without looking up, says to my mom, “You would know if you had been.”  At which point, I had to point out to her that she may in fact, not know if she had been.  I don’t think she liked that, but too bad.

They finally managed to get the chart completed and proceeded to take swabs and blood in order to prepare for surgery.  Having the IV put in was very uncomfortable for my mom.  I could see the pain so clearly on her face.  She became sad at one point as the full extent of her medical condition hit her.  She really, at that moment, had no idea she was so sick.  I thought that this could very well be it.  I thought the anaesthetic was going to do it.  That the surgery was going to be the thing that put her over.

Luckily, after all the time we spent working on that pre-op paperwork and making sure the nurses and doctors knew everything that they were dealing with, they decided not to knock her out.  Of course, I didn’t know this until hours later when the surgery had been done and they brought her to her room.

I couldn’t believe how relieved I felt.

I think I’ve been preparing myself for the past month or so for my mom’s passing.  I thought I had come to terms with it and I thought I was fairly prepared.  I saw her and she looked pretty good considering the day she’d had. I said to her “You’re already awake”, she replied, “I was awake for the whole thing.”  I said, “How was that?” and she was like, “It was fine.  I didn’t feel a thing.”  She still doesn’t.  The neuropathy is so bad that she’s just undergone a partial amputation with no pain whatsoever!  Talk about a strange blessing.  My husband suffered the worst pain due to severed nerves and phantom pain and because her nerves are already dead, she’s cruising through this like any other day.  In kind of a weird way, she’s lucky.  I’m glad she’s not suffering, because having seen it first-hand, I know it’s incredibly hard.

Yesterday I was wiped out.  I could barely function.  I got to the point where I literally couldn’t remember the last time I showered.  I have been holding all of this so tightly in my body that I felt like my entire back was broken.  Last night, instead of staying up late “to work on another project or something I “should” be doing”, I went to bed early.  This morning I set my alarm, got up before my kids and took a nice, long shower.  After I took my daughter to school, I went and had my brows done.  I finally felt like a human being again.

I am so happy they didn’t put her under.  I don’t know what would have happened if they had and I don’t know how I would have dealt with it.  I think I’m just going to have to enjoy whatever time is left and try not to prepare myself anymore.  I can’t spend the rest of her life worrying about the next thing that can hurt her or go wrong with her health.

For now, she is well enough and we have another day together.

Counting my blessings and being grateful.  🙂