This is a photo of a diabetic ulcer, one which is to result in an upcoming partial amputation of this foot.  The hole in this foot is over an inch deep and the infection goes into the bone.  This is what happens when you refuse to acknowledge what doctors tell you.  If a doctor tells you that you have diabetes, believe them.  If you don’t and you pretend that they’re wrong this could happen to you.  If you are a parent, please consider what this will mean for your child(ren) who are left to take care of you.

When I knew that I wanted to get pregnant with my first child, I quit smoking – 6 months before I went off the pill and started trying.  The way I saw it then, was that if I was going to have a kid, I no longer had the right to kill myself on the instalment plan.  I loved smoking!  I don’t know why because I was the most anti-smoking pre-teen on the planet.  When I did try it, I thought it was disgusting, but somehow I managed to keep at it until I a) got good at it and b) loved it.  Gross!  Thankfully, after I quit and started again and quit and started again, I finally quit for good.  I haven’t smoked in over three years and I no longer crave it and when I do get a whiff of it, it’s more yuck than yum.  That might sound really sick to someone who’s never smoked, but any smoker will get it.

Being the only person standing in the middle of a large circle of people who require constant care is exhausting.  I don’t want to sound like a baby, but I’m fucking tired.  I’m sad and I’m hurt and I’m run down.  I went through a period during my first pregnancy when I had so many horrible things happen at once, I don’t know how I got through it.  This period in my life is seemingly similar in that I’ve been dealing with one huge blow after another.  The difference is that 9/10 years ago everything happened within a very short time frame – literally only a few months, but it took a while to recover from it.  This time around, these huge events have been consistently happening for over a year and a half.  I’m trying so hard to not be completely overtaken by the things that are going on, telling myself not to worry.  I’ve been here before.  I know, that after spells like this, there is something glorious on the other side.  I’ve felt excitement (because I’m super impatient), like ok, I’ve taken the shit, now give me my prize.  Show me the change I’ve worked towards.  Show me the result of the work and the beating.  Give me something positive back out of all of this.  Please.

Rather than get totally downtrodden, I look to find something positive to keep me going.  I was told about Elephant Journal which has been wonderful.  It’s loaded with fantastic writing and positivity.  It definitely helps.  Today, I read a post by a writer from Elephant Journal.  She’s a beautiful, inspirational girl and she was writing about walking through fear and pain, etc.  There was a part in the post which I had to go back and reread because it felt a little unfair.  She said that we write, drink, do yoga, read, etc, etc….not a direct quote, but close, in order to escape and avoid our feelings.  That, instead of distracting ourselves from our misery we should embrace it and feel all of it (seriously, not a direct quote, just what I can remember taking out of it).  I have to say, that to completely feel every single emotion that we go through in a day can level you.  Especially during times of extreme stress, sadness, responsibility.  I have people who depend on me to not fall apart.  I have a gaggle of small children who rely on me for every single thing in their little lives.  I have a husband who relies on me to keep everything moving smoothly and to support him in his responsibilities, I have a mother who needs me to take care of her medical needs because she isn’t in a position to do it for herself.  I am expected to work whenever I am called.  I also have committed to extra administrative work for a colleague because we need the money.  I am trying to resurrect my long dead and buried financial business.  I am being asked to mentor and train someone I’ve had a relationship with who is new to my business.  I have a lot of plates spinning precariously on tall spikes and no one to help me catch any of them if they fall.  Unfortunately, falling apart and walking through every flicker of emotion is a luxury.  It’s all well and good to pour your heart out and encourage others to do the same, but we can’t all be young and perfect and unencumbered, living life on a beach, reading spirituality books and practicing yoga.  Sometimes, we have to just keep going because that is the only option available at the time.  Maybe when the pressure eases and the responsibility is lessened, maybe then we can wade through the emotional guk that is left over.

Now that I’ve completely gone off track, I’ll bring it back around.  It’s a hard thing to be a mother to young children and a daughter to an ill parent.  For me personally, I find myself feeling now for my mother, the way I feel for my kids – if they are awake, I should be with them.  Regardless of anything else.  For the most part, if my kids are home and my husband is home, I do whatever they want or I tidy the house so that I am available should anyone need anything.  The only time I take for myself or for my work is when they are asleep or at work/school.  Now, with my mom being so sick and being stuck in a home, I feel the same with her.  I feel like it’s my responsibility to bring her home and have her around any chance I get.  Even if we’re not interacting I feel like it’s my duty to have her here with me and my family.

My husband is on me regularly these days about taking better care of myself.  I agree, I need to.  The first thing to go for me when I’m stressed is my appetite and my motivation to work out.  I realize that it’s hypocritical of me to whine about a parent who didn’t take care of herself, when I am guilty of doing the same thing right now.  I’m just so tired.

I’m trying to keep my chin up.  I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this is just a short period of my life, that I will learn from and look back on (hopefully) with gratitude for the time I was given and the lessons I learned and the opportunity of being available to provide this care to her. Right now though, I am tired and worn down.  It has been a wretched couple of weeks.  I felt very much like she had already passed away.  That probably sounds strange and it was.  I don’t know where the feeling came from.  She had fallen and been sent to the hospital.  This went on for over a week with constant headaches and requests for CT scans and daily phone calls from the home.  I had another epic run in with her crazy sister which really sent me into a spin.  She told me I had my mom “locked up in that place” and that she was “trying to break her out”.  Can you imagine!?  My mother requires 24/7/365 care and isn’t cognitively fully aware at all times of her complete medical condition and this woman is accusing me of locking up her up and throwing away the key.  As though she is perfectly fit to live independently.

My brother wants nothing to do with her, but when pressed says he should at least be told when she passes and he guesses he has to come.  Fuck!  Really!  The funny thing is that that is a huge improvement from a year ago.  I will say that when he did call back he was gracious enough to hear me out and listen to the entire story of what has transpired these last few weeks.  It was a relief to tell someone.

So she goes for surgery in two weeks.  I believe the doctor is competent and compassionate and will limit the amputation to what is absolutely necessary.  She had very little reaction when told of the procedure.  I had my little ones with me and my youngest has trouble with wounds ever since her dad’s accident so she was quite upset.  There was a lot going on with the crying three year old and the blood dripping on the floor.  We didn’t get a chance to talk about it.

I feel bad for her that this is the reality.  I also feel angry that her poor choices are now my problem.  Fuck that sounds selfish.  I can’t do anything to change things for her.  I’m doing my best to see that she is being well cared for.  The entire situation just feels shitty.  What do you say?   How do you sit and have a conversation with someone who feels like they made the wrong choices and it make it ok for them?  I do it.  I justify it and relate and tell her we all do it and we all make mistakes, which is true.  I feel like a shitty parent daily.  It’s not my job to tell her she made mistakes, she knows that. It’s not my job to make her feel like a dick.  But I also can’t sit there and tell her she was an awesome mother.  I can’t cry and tell her she was the best mommy in the world.  I used to think she was when I was little.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I’m sure there were many moments when my young mind questioned her words, actions and behaviour.  But I don’t remember them.  It took me until well into my 20s to really question her.  And now I need to move on.  I have my own family to worry about and care for.  My own children to provide love and support and guidance to.  I want out.  I want to be free from the negativity of my history.

But not yet. I really don’t know if I’m ready for that.  I’m sure there will be a cesspool of crap to climb through before I get out of it completely.

Oh well.