Right now my husband isn’t speaking to me.  He isn’t speaking to me because of my behaviour.  I brought my mother home tonight from her residence for dinner and a visit.  During her visit she took a phone call from one of her sisters.  This particular sister happens to be storing the majority of my mother’s belongings and for about a month, prior to my mom getting really sick and moving in here, I was trying to coordinate with her sister when it would be ok for my husband and myself to drive the two hours to pick up my mom’s things.  After trying unsuccessfully for over three weeks, at which point we could no longer complete the move due to my husband’s surgery, my aunt finally deigned to take a phone call from me and then proceeded to come unhinged.  She lost her temper with me and was pretty nasty, then she hung up. (*Seems like people lose it on me a lot these days)  Since then, we haven’t spoken and I have tried to discuss with my mother what she wants done with her things.

The reason I got upset is because my mom, yet again, refuses to stand up for me.  I know it’s stupid.  I’m a grown-ass woman with a bunch of kids of my own.  I really don’t need my mommy to fight my battles for me.  That’s not what this is about.  What it is about, is that my entire life, my mother has not once stood up for me.  She’s never defended me, even when I’ve been confronted with situations way beyond my control, my fault, my anything.  She stood there while I was verbally attacked by a grown woman when I was about 8 years old.  She stood there when I was physically assaulted by her then-boyfriend and then when we went to court she told the crown that I was lying.  I was 17 when this happened and it’s the reason that I left home.  Conveniently, she doesn’t remember this.  These are just a couple of examples that come to mind.

I’m sure I sound like a spoiled little brat.  I don’t mean to.  I basically was just having a childish moment, as an adult.  Since my mom has been so ill, I’ve been feeling like anger is an emotion reserved for people who have the luxury of time.  I know I’m running out of time with my mom and I don’t want to feel any residual anger from my childhood.  Today’s bit of rage took me completely by surprise.  I am somewhat ashamed of myself for not being passed this piece of our history.  I am ashamed of the way I dealt with my emotional response.

So, once I got upset, I went quiet.  That’s what I do.  I no longer throw hissy fits or scream and yell.  I simply shut my mouth and go within and try to work out what I’m going through.  Admittedly, tonight, I had to seethe a little bit before I was able to calm down and come back to the conclusion that getting angry now isn’t going to change the past.  During the drive with my mom back to her residence I contemplated confronting her with my feelings.  Thankfully, I didn’t.  I kept it to myself and felt a bit regretful that our evening didn’t end on a better note.  Once I settled down further, I decided I may bring it up to my mom, another day, in a much calmer manner and in a way that conveys to her that my anger is a by-product of my childhood pain.  Not in a way that will make her feel bad, that’s not my goal, just in a way that lets her know this is how I’ve always felt.  I want her to know that there was a reason for my poor behaviour and that I’m not just a bitch.

I chose not to explain my behaviour to my husband because he does not seem to be able to see my point of view or believe that I have a right to my feelings.  If it’s something he doesn’t understand, which he really can’t because he doesn’t know all of my history, then he just says I’m a bitch and immediately thinks the worst.  I really didn’t feel like defending myself to my husband about a relationship that has developed the way it has over the past 37 years.  Quite frankly I was embarrassed of the way I behaved.  My relationship with my mother is complex and it is one that I still haven’t quite figured out.  The downside is that his opinion of me has been reduced further still.