I used to have my shit together.  I used to be pretty effective at getting things done.  I used to think I had a pretty decent handle on my life.  Now…I’m not so sure.  Now I seem to always feel quite anxious.  I often feel like I can’t get anything done at all.  I don’t even know what it is I want to get done.  I feel like I’ve got chains wrapped tightly around my torso holding my arms down by my sides and squeezing me until I hunch over, defeated.  I can’t stand feeling like this!  I will admit to throwing myself the odd pity party, I think that’s pretty common, but they generally only last a day or two.  Feeling low and heavy and weighed down all the time isn’t something I’m that familiar with and I absolutely hate feeling like that/this.  I wish I could figure out what it is that is bothering me.  I can’t even do that!  It seems these days that my mind is always spinning, jumping from one thought to the next and not really going anywhere.  I am confused at this helpless, desperate feeling.  I’ve been through periods in my life where things have been so much worse than they are now and I’ve gotten through it all pretty well.  I won’t lie and say that I’ve never felt depressed or beaten in the past, but it seems like I was still able to function and move forward and move through it.  This is just bizarre.  There is nothing wrong with my life.  The stress of my husband’s accident is pretty well over.  We’re used to it now.  He’s healthy and healing and things will go back to the way they were eventually.  We just kind of have to wait it out at this point.  All the kids are happy and healthy and doing well.  My mom’s health is stable, although not great.  I am still able to work, however that doesn’t seem to be happening.  I don’t know what is going on.  Something just isn’t working in me and I can’t figure out what it is.

I have a feeling that this post is going to be a mess, all over the place and maybe not very coherent.  Currently the story of my life!  One of the thoughts that I had yesterday is that I think I actually have faith in the way that life occurs.  Finally!  I used to feel a deathly fear of not having enough money to take care of my family and my responsibilities.  I still get uneasy (as you may have noticed :)), but then there is another part of me that is like – whatever.  It will work itself out.  So far we’ve been able to get by just fine.  There is no reason for me to think that things will not improve.  So that little bit of fear seems to have subsided.  Awesome!  I guess that means that whatever it is I am going through right now is just another phase I need to pass through.  That when I come out the other side I will be better off than when I started.   Okey dokey!

Then, I think about the things I have to teach my kids.  It could be anything.  And it’s a friggin’ nightmare.  It’s a nightmare because of the duality of life.  There is never only one side to a story, never only one perspective, never only one absolute right way.  Well thanks for that!  Way to make it impossible to give your kids a straight answer and never look like a hypocrite.  This morning my eldest broke a nail file.  Not a big deal right?!  Ya, but she lied about it.  Pissed me right off.  I couldn’t have cared less about the nail file.  I do however, care that she lied.  Does the seven year old really think that she’s smarter than me already?  Is she so afraid that she’ll get in trouble over something so small that it’s worth lying about?  Really!  That’s what she said it was.  I’ve told her a million times not to lie. She knows that when she tells the truth she almost never gets in trouble.  Still she lies.  What do you do?!  She lives in family where one parent is one way and the other parent is almost the exact opposite.  What is she going to learn?  I don’t know.  Probably that there is way more grey out there than black and white.

I don’t know what the hell I am doing.  I am doing the best I can.  I am teaching my children the best way I can right now.  I hope to become a better parent.  I hope that when my kids are grown they don’t look at me and think I was a total asshole.  I teach them right from wrong to the best of my ability.  I am trying to teach them to be independent people who think for themselves and march to their own beat.  I advise them to come to me and speak to me when they are angry with me or disagree with my opinion or decision.  I also teach them that there are times, when it’s a matter of safety, that they just have to do as I say.  If I piss you off, tell me later.  We can always talk about it and I can either come to see your point of view or you can understand my motivation for doing whatever it is that I have done.  Of course, my kids are still little, but I want them to always know that it is safe for them to talk to me and disagree with me. Hopefully, over time, they will come to trust me and see that it is ok to tell me things and that by telling me they have a way of getting help or working out a problem or whatever.  I just hope that they will let me help them if I can and support them if I can’t help them.

One thing I wonder about is the people who seem to have it all figured out.  They know everything.  Their answer is always the right one, they never have a bad day or a bad mood.  Their advice to their kids is always spot on and they are oh so willing to give you advice as to how to train your children.  Or the spiritually advanced who are in their last incarnation and almost done with this journey. Looking down their noses because you might just be beginning your journey of self-discovery.  Is that true?  Is that your real life or are you just completely full of shit?  I don’t know.  Maybe I will figure it out one day or maybe I just won’t care.  Right now, it’s just one of the things I wonder about.

Welcome to Crazytown people….my new current address.