My oldest friend in the world is preparing to welcome her first baby any day now.  She’s not due for a couple more weeks, but it looks like baby may come early.  I received a text message from her last night telling me this and I instantly felt a flash of what it was like to welcome my first baby.

My pregnancies have all been very easy physically, but emotionally I find it challenging because my first pregnancy was incredibly traumatic.  At the end of almost 41 weeks of pregnancy and 21 hours of labour I was given the most amazingly beautiful gift I could never have imagined.  My eldest daughter.  She was perfect, thank God!  I was so scared that something might be wrong with her because of everything we had gone through while I was pregnant with her.  When I first saw her, held her and knew she was safe and sound I cried and cried as though I may never stop.  I was so relieved!  And so deeply and irreversibly in love.

I could never have dreamed up someone so perfect.  Only God could do that.  I knew before she was born that I would love her.  I loved her the second I knew I was expecting her.  I just never knew what true, pure love was until I met her.  It rushed through me and over me and swept me away and I’ve loved her the same every second since then.  It’s a love so immediate and powerful it takes your breath away.  It’s absolute purity and you only know it once you know it.  Until that little body is wrapped in your arms you can only imagine it.  The reality of it is extraordinary.

She changed me.  She changed my life.  Thank God…again!  She made me a better person and a stronger person.  I made choices I wasn’t sure I could make, but I made them for her.  I made them so that she could be proud of me and look up to me and learn good things from me.  I made those choices and I stood by them and we made it through.  Things changed for the better because I was able to do what was right for her even before she was born.

From about 20 weeks into my pregnancy with her, I was so ready for her to be born.  I was so excited to meet her and start getting to know her.  She was my constant companion from conception until she was 20 months old and I went back to work part time.  She is one of the four most amazing people I’ve been lucky enough to meet.  I am honoured and blessed to be the mother of my four children.  I would do anything for them.  I am in constant awe of the love I have for them.  I had no idea it was possible to love someone, or a whole bunch of someones so intensely.  When I had my second daughter I felt like a traitor.  I felt like I was betraying my first and taking my time and attention away from her.  I loved her so much that I wasn’t sure if I could love the next one the same way.  And then she was born…and I grew an entirely new heart that belonged only to her.  The love is so strong and everlasting and perfect.  I now have four complete hearts, each with one of their names on it.  Just for them, always for them.  For who they are, each of them different and yet all so similar.  Sweet, funny, smart, gorgeous, caring….

It’s a journey.  It’s heavenly.  I am so excited for my dear, dear friend to finally have this experience for herself.  I wish you the most love.  The love of your life.

xoxoxo

My mother-in-law is coming to live in my house.  I have tried to keep most of my thoughts about my relationship and certain issues off this blog, but it’s beginning to get to me and I need to get rid of it.

My husband has been feeling sorry for his mother for some time now as she is regularly telling him she hasn’t eaten in days because she can’t afford to buy food.  She does have two jobs as well as a third income source.  The problem is that her rent is too high.  She is unwilling to find accommodations that she can reasonably afford.  So she has effectively manipulated her son into taking her in.  Talk about kicking a guy when he’s down.  She has seen him struggle this year and the effect that his accident has had on his relationships with his other family members and she’s used it to suit her own needs.

You well know, if you’ve read this blog before, that I haven’t worked much this year which means no money.  With my husband being on disability that makes things tight.  He has now been switched to long term disability which cuts our monthly income even further.  In light of this, I returned to work part-time on Monday of this week.  Please do not get the wrong impression and think for a moment that I don’t want to work.  I do want to work, I like earning money and I enjoy using my skills.  What I don’t want is to be away from my kids.  I have had lots of time with my older girls, they are in school and doing well.  My twins are my babies, my last babies and I really wanted this one last year with them (greedily, I’m sure) before sending them to daycare part-time.  When you’re on your last kid(s) you realize how quickly they grow up and move on.  They are only small for a little while and then they’re not.

So, back to this issue of my mother-in-law.  I feel that this move is putting my family in jeopardy.  I personally believe that she has no intention of finding work once she moves in here.  I feel that she thinks that she is going to move in here and I will go out to work so she can stay home and raise my kids for me.  She will be living on easy street.  They both will.  I will go work and earn a few bucks while they stay home and hang out together.  Then when I get home at the end of the day I will have the privilege of cleaning the house, doing the laundry, feeding the kids and the rest of us and making sure that our home is stocked for all of our needs.  I have reason to believe this will happen because even without her being here it is happening.  I know this is a problem with my husband, not her.  I get that.  The problem is that I think it is going to get worse.

I feel resentment building already and anger.  A whole freakin’ lot of anger.  I have expressed my concerns to my husband.  He is oblivious.  He sees me as the problem.  I’m being too hard on her.  I’m kicking her out the door.  He sees her as extra income to the family and free babysitting so he and I can get out together and get a break sometimes.  Well, I looked into the extra income thing today and he is not fully informed.  The reality is is that she is going to cost us money.  Period.  Bottom line.  Money that we don’t have…sorry did I already mention that?  I would rather pay for a babysitter and keep my sanity and my family intact than invite this woman into my home and watch my marriage implode.

I’ve recently begun doing yoga whenever I get a chance.  Almost never, because if he’s here I’m not allowed to work out.  I’ve never really gotten into yoga.  I find it hard to go slow like that when I’m “working out”, but it is a great work out and I do feel it afterwards.  I also find I am craving reading my books by Caroline Myss and Doreen Virtue.  I’m craving a spiritual connection so I don’t move too far into fear and anxiety.  I feel like I have no choice but to turn inward so that I don’t go right off the fucking deep end and lose my shit completely.

Just a small addition to my “crazytown” post.   That same day after blabbing away incoherently into this blog I had a small success with my twins.

Anyone who’s ever tried to brush a two year old’s teeth knows that many of them don’t really like it. I thought I had finally ended up with a couple of kids that didn’t mind it.  Until my son got sick.  He ended up, a little while ago, with an infection which caused his mouth to become very inflamed, his gums were red, swollen and bleeding and he was completely miserable.  Poor little guy!  He was so uncomfortable.  He and his sister ordinarily loved getting their teeth brushed.  I think it made them feel big like their older sisters.  🙂  Anyhoo, during his illness we didn’t push the teeth brushing too hard so he had a chance to heal.  Once he was better, both he and his sister became obstinate.  I believe he was just afraid it would hurt and she had decided that she was going to brush her own teeth now.  Yay…another fun battle!!!!  I Love being a parent and I say that with no sarcasm whatsoever.  For real.

So, the other night, I was getting the little monkeys ready for bed, bums were changed, pajamies were on and it was time to brush their teeth.  I really wasn’t in the mood to drag them to the bathroom and pin them down to do so, so I thought “eh, I’ll just brush them here”.  “Here” happened to be on the livingroom floor in front of the movie they were watching.  And guess what…magic happened.  They laid there and let me brush their teeth to my hearts content.  No fighting, no screaming, no crying!   Amazing!!!!  I was happy, they were happy and their freakin’ teeth were clean before bed!  Hallelujah!

Now we brush our teeth on the livingroom floor and they love it.  It is only temporary until they either want to go brush their teeth in the bathroom or mommy decides they no longer have a choice and it’s time to get back to normal.  For now though, it’s working like a dream and we are all thrilled.

I used to have my shit together.  I used to be pretty effective at getting things done.  I used to think I had a pretty decent handle on my life.  Now…I’m not so sure.  Now I seem to always feel quite anxious.  I often feel like I can’t get anything done at all.  I don’t even know what it is I want to get done.  I feel like I’ve got chains wrapped tightly around my torso holding my arms down by my sides and squeezing me until I hunch over, defeated.  I can’t stand feeling like this!  I will admit to throwing myself the odd pity party, I think that’s pretty common, but they generally only last a day or two.  Feeling low and heavy and weighed down all the time isn’t something I’m that familiar with and I absolutely hate feeling like that/this.  I wish I could figure out what it is that is bothering me.  I can’t even do that!  It seems these days that my mind is always spinning, jumping from one thought to the next and not really going anywhere.  I am confused at this helpless, desperate feeling.  I’ve been through periods in my life where things have been so much worse than they are now and I’ve gotten through it all pretty well.  I won’t lie and say that I’ve never felt depressed or beaten in the past, but it seems like I was still able to function and move forward and move through it.  This is just bizarre.  There is nothing wrong with my life.  The stress of my husband’s accident is pretty well over.  We’re used to it now.  He’s healthy and healing and things will go back to the way they were eventually.  We just kind of have to wait it out at this point.  All the kids are happy and healthy and doing well.  My mom’s health is stable, although not great.  I am still able to work, however that doesn’t seem to be happening.  I don’t know what is going on.  Something just isn’t working in me and I can’t figure out what it is.

I have a feeling that this post is going to be a mess, all over the place and maybe not very coherent.  Currently the story of my life!  One of the thoughts that I had yesterday is that I think I actually have faith in the way that life occurs.  Finally!  I used to feel a deathly fear of not having enough money to take care of my family and my responsibilities.  I still get uneasy (as you may have noticed :)), but then there is another part of me that is like – whatever.  It will work itself out.  So far we’ve been able to get by just fine.  There is no reason for me to think that things will not improve.  So that little bit of fear seems to have subsided.  Awesome!  I guess that means that whatever it is I am going through right now is just another phase I need to pass through.  That when I come out the other side I will be better off than when I started.   Okey dokey!

Then, I think about the things I have to teach my kids.  It could be anything.  And it’s a friggin’ nightmare.  It’s a nightmare because of the duality of life.  There is never only one side to a story, never only one perspective, never only one absolute right way.  Well thanks for that!  Way to make it impossible to give your kids a straight answer and never look like a hypocrite.  This morning my eldest broke a nail file.  Not a big deal right?!  Ya, but she lied about it.  Pissed me right off.  I couldn’t have cared less about the nail file.  I do however, care that she lied.  Does the seven year old really think that she’s smarter than me already?  Is she so afraid that she’ll get in trouble over something so small that it’s worth lying about?  Really!  That’s what she said it was.  I’ve told her a million times not to lie. She knows that when she tells the truth she almost never gets in trouble.  Still she lies.  What do you do?!  She lives in family where one parent is one way and the other parent is almost the exact opposite.  What is she going to learn?  I don’t know.  Probably that there is way more grey out there than black and white.

I don’t know what the hell I am doing.  I am doing the best I can.  I am teaching my children the best way I can right now.  I hope to become a better parent.  I hope that when my kids are grown they don’t look at me and think I was a total asshole.  I teach them right from wrong to the best of my ability.  I am trying to teach them to be independent people who think for themselves and march to their own beat.  I advise them to come to me and speak to me when they are angry with me or disagree with my opinion or decision.  I also teach them that there are times, when it’s a matter of safety, that they just have to do as I say.  If I piss you off, tell me later.  We can always talk about it and I can either come to see your point of view or you can understand my motivation for doing whatever it is that I have done.  Of course, my kids are still little, but I want them to always know that it is safe for them to talk to me and disagree with me. Hopefully, over time, they will come to trust me and see that it is ok to tell me things and that by telling me they have a way of getting help or working out a problem or whatever.  I just hope that they will let me help them if I can and support them if I can’t help them.

One thing I wonder about is the people who seem to have it all figured out.  They know everything.  Their answer is always the right one, they never have a bad day or a bad mood.  Their advice to their kids is always spot on and they are oh so willing to give you advice as to how to train your children.  Or the spiritually advanced who are in their last incarnation and almost done with this journey. Looking down their noses because you might just be beginning your journey of self-discovery.  Is that true?  Is that your real life or are you just completely full of shit?  I don’t know.  Maybe I will figure it out one day or maybe I just won’t care.  Right now, it’s just one of the things I wonder about.

Welcome to Crazytown people….my new current address.