Yesterday was a very stressful day…again!  lol  I know, I can’t help it.  My husband is off on disability so things have gotten a bit tight and every time we have to really focus on finances I become a complete mess…for a while.  I was speaking to one of my very best friends on the phone and I asked her to pull a card for me.  For those of you who do not quite understand what I mean by that, I will explain.  I believe in angels (a lot!) and God and manifestation, etc.  I have decks and decks of angel cards and crystal jewelery which I wear and use to meditate with (when I can, even if only for a moment as I am doing housework) and I ask archangels for help daily.  I also thank them daily for their help and for all the blessings in my life.  So one of the cards that my dear friend pulled for me was “Forgive yourself” and I have decided that that’s not such a bad idea.  I have decided that in order to live the life I want to live, forgiveness is likely going to play a big part in helping me achieve that.   In addition to itemizing some of the things I am going to work towards forgiving myself for, I am going to issue a public apology for some of my past behaviour.  I am not the same person today as I was 5, 10 or 15 years ago and of course, there are people who I have mistreated, who I continue to think of and given the opportunity to see  face to face would gladly seize the chance to apologize to them directly.

I will start with the apologies.

This one is to a girl who I ended up crossing paths with due to a high school boyfriend.  This may seem very silly to everyone who reads this, but this girl was, I believe, a very sweet girl, a good girl, who would never do anyone any harm. I think that’s why I’ve never forgotten her.  It’s crazy because we never met personally. The only contact we ever had was a phone call and catching a glimpse of each other across a room once.  Long story short, my “boyfriend” and I had broken up and were (I thought) working at getting back together.  As it happened, just as I thought things were going well, I left for a holiday for two weeks.  When I came back, everything had changed, he was as cold as ice and it looked like getting back together wasn’t exactly going to happen.  We kept hooking up, but all was not peachy.  A little while later I happened to find out it was because he had a new girlfriend.  Shocker!  Ya, I know.  So 17 year old me was terribly hurt and incredibly pissed.  I took it upon myself one night after way too many cocktails to call this sweet girl and tell her all about her shitty boyfriend.  That’s what I feel bad about.  I didn’t lie to her about anything at all.  I do think though, that it probably wasn’t up to me to tell her he was a shit.  I’m pretty sure she would have found out eventually, like I did. She (I am certain) was/is a complete sweetheart and the truth can be painful.  I am sorry that I made that phone call and told her everything I did.  Going back I would never have done anything to cause her any pain.  To Grace, I apologize.

The other girl I would apologize to, I used to work with.  She was another absolute sweetheart.  We worked together for a while and we were friends.  Again, I acted poorly.  I had worked at this company for quite a while and I had had to fight for every ounce of credit I got there.  It was tough place to work at times, I was very young and I probably had an enormous chip on my shoulder.  This girl came in (through me) and she was good at the job and as sweet as pie and everyone loved her.  Looking back with my (almost) 37 year old eyes I can see and admit that I was jealous.  I was jealous that she didn’t have to struggle to earn respect the way that I had had to.  I felt like I was being replaced and it made me very insecure.  The result of that was that I ended up being unfriendly to someone who had become a friend.  She probably never knew what the hell happened.  What do you think when you’ve never done anything to someone and that person turns into a total B**** for no reason at all?  To Danielle, I apologize.

There are a couple of other apologies I will offer, however, they are to my mother and brother and will be their own posts altogether.  I will leave them for another time.

On to my list of things I promise to forgive myself for.

I forgive myself for being jealous at times.  I absolutely despise that feeling.  I’ve been lucky to not experience it a ton, but don’t like experiencing it at all.

I forgive myself for drinking too much in my twenties and making bad decisions.

I forgive myself for the things that happened in my life because of my bad decisions.

I forgive myself for feeling a truckload of shame for my decisions and poor choices.

I forgive myself for not being kinder and gentler to myself over the years.

I forgive myself for my most recent failures as a breadwinner.

I’m pretty sure there are a million other things I could add to this list, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself.  haha  The only thing I can do is to work towards forgiveness for myself and vow to do better going forward.