Yesterday I was a complete and total wreck!  The cause of this state was financial anxiety regarding my current debt.  The debt isn’t too bad, however because I haven’t worked very much this year it causes me a lot of stress.  I have had a job since I was 11 years old.  I’ve always worked and always paid my own way.  This year has been a bit different and I struggle with it constantly.  I do still have a job – sort of.  I am self-employed in the financial services industry and I work from home while I am raising my 7, 5 and two 2 year olds.  It was fairly easy to work from home with the older kids when they were small.  They went to daycare part time (2 days a week) and they are very independent.  They always knew the rules when mommy was working and they followed them.  Working from home with two year old twins is a completely different ball game.  Because I took it a little easier at the beginning of the year I didn’t do very much which didn’t give them much opportunity to learn how things work when mommy is working.  Unfortunately for me, my husband was hurt before I was able to get much work done ie. make much money for the year and I haven’t worked since he has been home.  The entire situation is strange to me because even the potential for work that has come along hasn’t turned into anything tangible – which almost never happens!  It rocks me to my core to be so dependent and so vulnerable and to not be providing for my family.

I am so blessed in my life, by my children and husband, my health, my sweet little dog, etc.  I could go on and on.  My husband and I look at each other and tell each other all the time how lucky we are.  I am grateful.  I try very hard to stay in the moment and enjoy every second of my time with this family we’ve created.  Yesterday though, because of the stress I was feeling, I felt like a total failure.  Some days it just seems like nothing I am doing is right or good enough.  I feel like I can’t succeed at anything I am trying to do.  I want to work and provide for my family, but I have lost all interest in my work this year.  I don’t know if I want to do it anymore.  When I do work, I love it. I am passionate about it and I care deeply about the people I work with.  When I’m not working, I feel dread at having to find another way to source business.  Truth be told, I hate trying to find business.  Doing it part time from home with no childcare has definitely hindered my networking abilities, not that they’re strong anyway.  lol  I hate networking.  I feel like a total fraud.  For me I would rather get to know someone because I am genuinely interested in getting to know them and seeing what common ground we have than creating a false friendship based solely on what we can do for each other.  I would love for my friends to send referrals to me because they know how capable I am and how hard I work for the people I represent.  I know that is naive, but it’s how I feel.  I guess it tells me and the world quite clearly that I likely am not cut out for self-employment.  Hopefully I am wrong and I get my mojo back soon.  I have to do something!  I can’t go on like this for much longer.