I got home to my kids this morning after my first night away from them since my twins were born almost two years ago.  They were left with a close family member who I consider a very good friend and who has one grown child.  I have four small(ish) children who require a fair bit of care.  Keeping up with them and the house is a matter of constant motion which I think I handle reasonably well.  Admittedly, I think we arrived home earlier than expected.   As much fun as we had yesterday, we really missed them so we got up early and drove the 3 hours back home before noon.  My twins take their nap at around 10:30 every day.  Since this is their only nap (most days) I like it to be a good one and if the timing gets too far off track it can create chaos in their day.  Add to that, that this is the first time I have left them and you can imagine that when we arrived home, fully expecting them to be asleep still and they weren’t that the rest of the day hasn’t been exactly stellar.  So we get here and I hear my little guy’s cry “Daaa” through the front window.  I happily turn to my husband and say “The babies are up”…we come into the house and I say to our friend “They didn’t sleep long”.  To which she replies, “I haven’t put them down yet. I thought I would feed them lunch and then put them down.”

So my question to this, asked only in my mind a couple of hours later, after my daughter went hysterical when I tried to put them down for their missed nap, was “what makes you think that your way is better than the way we have always done things?”  Why would you change the routine on two two year olds when they are, for the first time, experiencing their parents being away for the night?  Let’s put this a little more into perspective for all who do not know the exact dynamics.  The woman who was watching my kids has one child who is a couple of years younger than I am.  She also comes from a large family of mostly women who all helped each other raise their kids.  I come from a family where I was raised mostly alone.  My sibling who is closest in age to me is 8 years older, the rest don’t really count since I’ve never had a relationship with them anyway.  My husband and I moved away from most of our family so we are pretty much on our own when it comes to raising this family we have created.  Raising a family of four little ones with little outside help encourages you to have certain ways of doing things because otherwise life would be a nightmare.  I don’t really enjoy living in a mess all of the time, nor do I enjoy temper tantrums.  So I have certain things that get done certain ways and some things, like naps, even have to happen around certain times.

I have to say that I do love my friend dearly.  There is no one else in our lives who would have offered to do this for us.  There is no one else in our lives (at this point) that we would ever ask to do this for us.

I guess part of the point I am struggling to make is that not everyone is the same…Thank God…every kid is different and every parent is different.  What works for you in your household, with your family may be quite different than what works for me and my family in our household.  When I am at a friend’s home for the night I aim to leave the place the way I found it or better, ie. if the dinner dishes weren’t done last night and I happen to be up first, I will do them.  I will make the bed as close to the way I found it as possible.  If you happen to wash your sheets after every use, then I apologize that you now need to take the whole thing apart, but you knew that when you invited me to stay the night.  If you don’t wash the sheets after every use, then hopefully I’ve helped make your day a little easier by cleaning up after myself.

Why is it too much to ask that when someone is in my home that they try to adapt to the way things are done here?  Especially when you’ve spent an enormous amount of time here and been entertained at length?  I’m not asking you to do things my way in your home.  I am asking you to respect the way I do things in my home and make an effort.  If you happen to put the dishes away, maybe put them where they actually go, rather than where you think they should go.  If you don’t like their current location or are unsure of their location, the counter works for me and I can do it when I get to it.  Not a problem! 🙂

This is how I feel about parenting styles.  Please feel free to do your own thing with your own kids.  That really is your business until it becomes someone else’s business in a negative way.  I see the differences in the way I do things with my kids from the way my friends do things with their kids.  They are all pretty decent kids who I believe have a solid chance of growing into pretty decent adults.  Whether I happen to agree with every step taken on that particular path is irrelevant.  The only thing that matters is that they get there.  I gave up on mommy groups because quite frankly I found them a little creepy.  Most of the “mommies” are in some kind of weird competition.  I found the first-time “militant” moms the most repellant.  Is it because they are my opposite or my mirror?  I don’t know.  I don’t consider myself someone who is completely rigid because I can see validity in many styles and points of view and I am quite willing to re-examine my own point of view if I find it no longer works, suits me or I learn new information that changes things.  I don’t believe that because I believe something to be true when I am 20, single and living it up that I will still believe the same thing by the time I’m 25, cohabitating and living a completely different lifestyle.  It also means that what worked for my first kid might not apply to my second, third or fourth.  Or it may apply to all of them.

Why can’t we be more flexible and less judgmental?  Why do we take it so personally the way someone else parents?  Why are we offended by parenting styles that differ from our own?  Just because it’s different doesn’t automatically make us wrong.  Differences of opinion and style should be a welcome resource to all parents.  Please stop judging me.  Period.  Don’t judge my parenting.  It’s none of your business.  Please don’t go out of your way to make my day miserable because you think your way is better.  And I will do the same for you.  I promise!